Oh, and by the way this journal is...

FRIENDS ONLY


Internet paranoia finally got to me. But I'm pretty open to new internet people, so just drop me a message here and I'll friend you back :3
Oh man it's been almost two years since I posted anything, and everything from before that is SO PERSONAL (and locked phew). Maybe I need to spawn a new journal for... less personal things? I miss this platform. I never really talk to people on Tumblr. It's like I'm just shouting into an abyss. Which maybe is what I'm doing here because EVERYONE IS GONE. Is anyone out there still reading this? Maybe I'll look for some more active communities or something.
I need to write this paper but I can't seem to express my flimsy ideas in coherent, academic sounding sentences. Stuff like how Marjane Satrapi's "Embroideries" is basically like a gossip session among women and it's so you know you're getting a subjective interpretation of events and also you're hearing from the women themselves and you don't generally hear much from Iranian women directly so that's good right?

I mean it's there but I can't phrase it an a way that makes it sound like a paper.

I think I'm going to propose that my final paper be about homosexuality in comic books, from being banned in the Comics Code to independent comics later on and mainstream comics finally catching up. It's not super literary but dammit I like it. I guess the worst that can happen is that she's all "NO WAY" on Tuesday. I already found a few sources with just a cursory search on a general sociology database.

So over this classsssssssssssss :(

I wish I could just crank this paper out so I could go back to playing FF8 but it's hell of like wading knee deep in lukewarm queso.
Today I woke up and my hand was so completely numb and asleep that in my bleary not-quite-conscious state I panicked thinking it was going to fall off.

Yeah.
UPDATE:

fuck it. Went to meet with coworkers, had a bit of trouble finding them, but was otherwise fine. And now I don't feel so bad anymore. Got another call from my Aunt, apparently he already had his court date for his DUI and was supposed to be under house arrest. For some unknown reason, he went out of bounds (I don't know what those bounds were) so the fuzz picked him up and he may or may not be spending the last 5 days of his house arrest in actual jail? We still don't really know much.

If I think about it too much or too hard, I get sad/pissed/scared again, but for now I'm content with "FUCK IT."

There's a stupid little nagging voice in my mind saying "maybe if you called this wouldn't have happened."

FUCK IT.

He's an idiot. That is not my fault. I know this. Shut up, naggy voice, I don't want to hear it from you.

FUCK.
IT.
Got a call from my Aunt Cary with very few details, because she didn't have many. Vague story points so far: Something about Dad trying to walk (presumably to buy alcohol) while drunk, fell down, had to go to the hospital, was only helped by a family who I guess drove by and stopped to help. Ended up arrested, probably for trying to drive drunk because of interlock, going to jail for 5 days.

I'm scared, sad, and pissed, and I'm supposed to be meeting coworkers for drinks/appetizers at 5 (23 minutes from now). Feel like crying. Know if I call to say I can't come I will cry on the phone. Might be able to distract self if I do go, but don't want to break down in tears while there either. Not sure what to do, not enough time to decide (now 19 minutes til 5).

We thought we had seen rock bottom, but now I'm terrified to find out how far down that can go. I don't want my dad to die.
Added note:

I know I have a ton of school work to do. My regular weekly work for Japanese and graphic narrative (mother fuckin' comics), a short paper for comics, a final research-y paper for comics, my final project for library science (due next Tuesday with extra credit or thursday as the last chance), final paper for astronomy (ugggh). And what do I do with my time? Watch movies and play FF8 (or other games). I just want to be completely mind-numbed it seems. I can't even seem to sneak in an RP tag here and there because it takes too much thinking.

Can't fight the apathy cuz I'm too apathetic.

Also, can't stop thinking about being mad at my dad, which I still am. I haven't talked to him since last sunday, making it over two weeks since we last spoke. And I just... don't want to call. And I hate that. I keep writing speeches in my head or dramatic scenes that'll never actually play out. I know that there is no certain thing I can say (or yell) that'll fix things, but it seems like my brain is trying really hard to write something out, despite logically knowing that it's no use. I hate that things are like this so much, almost as much as I hate the fact that I can't do anything about it, except endlessly forgive my dad's retardation which is really getting old and I'm sick of doing it. I don't know how long it'll take without me calling him for him to finally call me.

a;kwje;fkahwe;oifhaw;ihefj I wish things with my dad were the same as they were when I was in high school. I miss that more than I can articulate. :(

As a result of being incommunicado with my dad, I'm only going to be able to send invites to the most obvious of relatives on that side, unless I suck it up and call and ask, though I cynically doubt how helpful that would even be. Don't want to send invites out without a picture, but I don't have any pictures printed, nor do I even have one taken, but I really need to send them out so I don't know if I should just skip it or what.

Also need to email Professor Crazy of comics class about my research paper but good lord do I not want to communicate with her.

I just can't seem to muster up the motivation to get anything DONE.
Guys I just watched "The Girl Who Leaped Through Time" and and and

I am a girly sap for the first time in...... a long time.

CHIAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

fffffffff :(

It was a pretty good movie though. Maybe not genius, but it was an interesting take on time travel and it was really... quiet and gentle? I dunno. It's a pretty good break from INTENSE MOVIES OF INTENSITY.

...


Somebody hold me :'(
AM I THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE WHO DOESN'T THINK SETH ROGEN IS FUNNY?
Watching "The Mind Robber" on Netflix at work.

Patrick Troughton is awesome and so is Jamie's scotch-ness.

I love his >:C face. It's amazing.


...Yes I know I am late to this party.
I seem to have taken to updating my facebook status 10 times a day and I just can't STOP.


I'm becoming one of those people :(
Ok I lied about the no internet thing, I guess.

Seriously though. The girl who posted the article I was talking about before? Is getting kicked out of the class for disruptive behavoir. Seriously. The girl can be a bit defensive/aggressive but sheez. I'm just hoping the Prof doesn't have a TALK about it in class tomorrow. I really just want to move on and get this class over with.

DRAMADRAMADRAMADRAMADRAMADRAMADRAMADRAMA.

Article girl fears I will get picked on in class because I've tried to help her out in class in the past. I kind of doubt it, but I'm gonna be keeping my head low to just get through it from now on.

I have never had a teacher so ridiculously TESTY as this one. It's mind boggling. I don't know how 2 innocuous, if "un-academic" posts on a class message board can stir up this much shit but seriousssllyyy.

Shit is ridiculous.

ri-goddamn-diculous.

I hope nothing bad happens tomorrow. Tomorrow is skirt day. Skirt day should be a good day.

my overactive imagination's worst case scenario so far is me being effectively made to apologize for something I shouldn't have to apologize for in front of the class. Good old public humiliation, playing back in my brain theater of fears! I am deep. and worried.
Ok I am off the internet for the rest of the day except to look at information for class. Seriously. I think I'm gonna go nutty.
OH MY CHRIST.

My graphic narrative professor is obnoxious and also possibly crazy. Somebody in class posted an article about how comic books aren't dumb basically, and I replied very briefly to the effect of "I liked the article, I've had a chip on my shoulder about the comics stereotype for a while." It might have been a pretty crap, useless response, but still. Today I have an email in my class inbox. Here is an excerpt:

"I know that you and a couple of superhero comic fans in our class have voiced their
disregard for academic discourse on comics, especially literary comics. However, our
class is about groups of people who are often denied public space to mourn, to process
experience, to recount events. We are making the case that these texts are doing
something that goes beyond entertainment.

Also, there are people in our course who have never read a comic before. Let's make
sure we are not alienating other students."

1. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK. How have I ever said I disregard academic discourse on comics? Of course I support that, I signed up for this fucking class. I've been making the case that it's NOT JUST SUPER-LITERARY DEEP COMICS that can go "beyond entertainment."

MY WHOLE POINT. YOU MISSED IT.

2. I don't understand how that article or my inane comment about it could possibly alienate the rest of the class. It was a good article with recommendations of good comics to read! How is that alienating?

I don't understannndndda;lndf;lakwhe

I sent her the most calm, calculated reply I could manage (took me like an hour to write it) explaining that I think she misinterpreted my complaint. My complaint being that comics are generally looked down upon, until something like Maus or Persepolis happens, and then people make up new words because they can't bear to call it comics. That's stupid. How the hell is that construed as "NO ANALYSIS OF COMICS, THEY ARE 4 ENTERTAINMENT"

That's like the complete OPPOSITE of my point.

RAGIN'.

Also, the link from the class page to the discussion board mysteriously disappeared. What the fuck, lady?!

EDIT: OH MY SHIT, YOU GUYS. Literally, the second I pushed the button to post this, MY PROFESSOR WALKED IN THE DOOR TO MY JOB FOR AN APPOINTMENT WITH SOMEBODY.

HAHAHAHAH;AKHWE;KLFHA

KILL ME.
Dieter in Monster reminds me of Rorschach as a kid, if Rorschach had been rescued from becoming completely deranged :'(

That or all they have in common is that they're both ginger kids from crappy circumstances.

You know.
NEW ICON. Watson, you dick.


Been feeling really self-conscious about like... everything lately, and I don't really know why.

A girl in my comics class (fuck you, "graphic narrative") said I should totally date the guy in my class who I often end up sitting next to and who is also in the college comic book club. This was followed by him being like "WHAT ARE U DOIN' TONIGHT?!" on Friday and me getting that intense flush of panic I always get from that question. Said I was watching a movie with my roommate, which was mostly true. My original plan had consisted of opening up the wine in the cat-shaped bottle my sister sent me, and watching a movie seemed an appropriate accompanying activity. Turns out he and some buddies were going to see Wayne Newton because they got free tickets. I don't know if that means I should have gone or not? lol Wayne Newton, what. At first, I had Wayne Newton confused with Tom Jones. If it had actually been Tom Jones I would have punched myself in the head for missing it, panic or no.

He's not a bad dude, but I don't look at him and think "I WANT TO DATE YOU!" but I do think he'd be a decent person to hang out with. But I think that about most dudes because the thought of dating and dating expectations and oh dear god the panic THE PANIC I can't handle it.

Also he is 3 years younger than me I AM OLD.

And I know for a fact he posts at /co/ and I think he's figured out that I'm the one that posted about the class there a while back. Neither of us have actually said anything about it directly, and it's kind of alot weird. This is the second 4chan to real-life crossover I have experienced, and I can say at least that this one is less weird, which isn't surprising given the first known 4chan person I ever met in real life is known for posting naked pictures of himself and his Kamina tattoos on /cgl/.

Anyway, at this point it remains a non-issue, despite me thinking about it anyone and subsequently becoming nervous about hanging out with the guy in a friend capacity because I hate when guys try to move in on date-like territory, even if I don't even know that he WOULD. Is that narcissistic to assume? probably.

TL;DR - I auto-friend-zone dudes indiscriminately because I am afraid of literally anyone being in the boyfriend-zone.

This is possibly due to the fact that the only advice my dad ever gave me about boys was "Friend before Boyfriend" but I have this inadequately founded paranoia that guys don't want to be your friend before boyfriend (one particular incident is not a trend!)

Moving on, the movie I ended up watching while drinking my cat-shaped wine was The Grudge, with the Rifftrack. I am ashamed to say I was still freaked out, even though it was a bad movie and I watched it being deftly mocked. God I hate that. I can't handle freaky ghost visuals! Ever! fjfjfjjfjf.
So I was going to do some Japanese during work today.

But I didn't bring my notebook with all my worksheets etc in it, because yesterday I had it in my laptop bag instead of my usual one.

APRIL FOOLS!!!11!1!!

God I'm an idiot. Seriously. I can't even... Dammit.

I'm getting dumber by the day :(

I really might not go without my notebook or any actual work done. I don't even get grades in that class, seeing as I'm not even actually registered for it. I just don't want to be a DISAPPOINTMENT.

Time to commit seppuku.

I think (I hope) not sleeping enough is contributing. I'm so good at not going to bed on time, and I've never been good at running on 6 hours of sleep or less. Tonight, since I don't have anything outright due tomorrow, I really should go to bed EARLY. Like 10 PM early. Because this can't go on or I will lose my miinnnddddd
Myyyyyyyyy speech outline is crap, surprise surprise.

I'm not actually giving it until Monday, but we have to turn in our outlines tomorrow and I won't be able to deviate much from it, no matter how much I practice during the week. Ffffffffffffff.

sigh.

See if I actually did work when I had time, this shit wouldn't happen. Also, I didn't do any Japanese. Again. when I had all spring break to do it.

WHY AM I SO FAIL AT SCHOOL ANYMORE

Senioritis I guess :(
Goddammit I brought my laptop with me so I could work on something during my dead hour between classes and I haven't done anything.

Auuuggghhhhh. I suck. I really wanted to go to bed ON TIME tonight. I think lack of sleep is making things bug me more than they would if I were actually rested.

Also, I have no idea what I'm doing in my Japanese group tomorrow. fffffffffff.

EDIT: And I need to call my mom because it's her birthday. ACK.
Damn I still have Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria. Slacked off on taking my antihistamines long enough that I've got a big hive going on my wrist.

Tragedy.

Especially because I'm almost out of prescription and I don't like my old allergist and don't want to go back. D:

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March 2014

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